Look mates, there’s nothing called the perfect guy or girl. What we call perfection is just a mélange of shortcomings and uniqueness. Neither is there anything called the perfect gun, ay! So we have recruited five test subjects: Sadia, Tasneem, Disha, Faria and Kulsum ( names were changed to protect privacy) to be compared to the five guns we smuggled through Bangladesh Airport.
- AK-47: The infamous one-tap-headshot-even-with-helmet, it is. Originating from Soviet Union in 1947, it’s the grandpa of most guns. Has great damage but an almost uncontrollable recoil and is hella loud. Seems like it is equivalent to our beloved Kulsum Apa, who is from Viqarunnisa Noon College. It is twice as much probable of the sun rising from the west than it is for her to wear anything other than salwar kameez or saree. She knows Bangla words your great grandpa never heard of and thus texts in it and loves to upload pictures with a flower stuck in her hair with lyrics of bangla poems. Goes to Chhayanaut and knows how to play the harmonium to some Nazrul Sangeet. Probably can murder someone by screaming.
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- MP9: Yes it’s small, yes, it does little damage, but it does have a great fire-rate to compensate for it. It is a submachine gun after all. Lightweight and allows maximum mobility. Looks harmless at first sight but can cause a massacre on its own. Sounds like it’s gonna be Sadia. She’s most likely the shortest girl in the observable universe. Extremely timid and has a small circle of friends. You might need to ask her to repeat thrice to hear something. In her own circle though, she is the Queen of Gossips, once set off, she never runs out of things to say. Her small surface area, low audibility and quick legs help her remain oblivious to teachers.
- AWP: The I-have-no-idea-where-i-got-shot-from gun. Strictly follows the one shot one kill policy, and probably even to the big toe. Ridiculously long, ridiculously expensive, ridiculously useless at close quarters. Boasts a powerful scope as well. Ta-da! It’s Tasneem time. That rich, gorgeous, lunette wearing chic you wanted to date just to realize she’s half a foot taller than you. All the girls are jealous of her and has given her the position of Drama Queen. Guys are swooning over her 24/7. Her main task is bitching from distance and acting like Mother Teresa up close. Goes to Scholastica, rides in a BMW and doesn’t wear anything less than Gucci clothing. Never forgets to show the Apple logo on her phone in her snaps.
- Benelli Nova: The humble yet powerful shotgun. Always handy for the surprise attack, delivers a strong punch and can be shot while reloading. Works for siege and medium distances but is absolutely helpless at long range. A cheaper option compared to all automatic guns. This time it’s Faria, friends with almost everyone in the class. She’s pretty open and straightforward, never does “Gibot” or the bitchery-from-far-away. Always stands up against injustice and probably can knock out a university Bhaiya with a punch. Definitely can roast better than Pewdiepie.
- The M249: The heavyweight laser gun, with an unnecessarily large amount of ammunition. It’s probably twice as heavy as the person carrying it with enough bullets to sink a continent. Has immense firepower, damage and earth-shattering noise. Simply tossing it on the enemy is probably enough to kill them. Of course, it’s Disha. The healthiest girl in the class, and not the i-take-care-of-my-body healthy, the I-let-my-family-starve healthy. She brings tiffin enough to feed a whole family in Africa. She needs a truck to drop her off to school, her parents tie her shoes for her as she’s never seen her feet. You can hear her coming from 500 meters away. Everyone acts super kind and nice to her, only to survive throughout the day without getting trampled by her. Don’t get her angry, unless you want to be flattened.Now, now if you’re like any of them, there’s no need to feel ashamed or undermined. We all have our unique characteristics just like these guns. Everyone is always good at something, one way or another. Like if Disha stands a chance, you definitely do!