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Elon Musk plans to intoxicate his investors?!

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Musk: Mankind’s Savior or Evil Genius?

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Elon Musk, the billionaire genius  seemed destined to be mankind’s savior with his groundbreaking inventions such as the electric car Tesla (which outperforms even the best oil driven hyper cars), the PowerWall, a huge wall mounted solar panel capable of providing a home with near endless energy, Hyperloop trains, and most impressively, the SpaceX program, which is only a few years away from taking us to Mars. All was well, our salvation seemed to be soon at hand…anything Musk promised, no matter how outlandish or impossible it seemed, he always delivered, silencing all critics and naysayers time and time again.

What a great time to be alive, no? But then, almost out of the blue, he began showing disturbing signs. A general disregard for the way of the world and society was accepted by the masses in light of his accomplishments, but his antics kept getting out of hand steadily. Soon he took to twitter to call a rescue diver saving kids “a pedophile”, went live on camera to consume copious amounts of cannabis and made bizarre statements about taking his company private. This obviously resulted in his stakeholders going in full on panic mode, scrambling for answers like a bunch of hungry cockroaches on the kitchen floor. Unsurprisingly, this resulted in Tesla’s stocks plummeting, Musk himself being removed from his position as Chairman of Tesla, and Elon Musk worshippers all across the world staring blankly into the void as their hopes of salvation at the hand of musk hanged by a thin thread. Poor souls.

In latest news, Musk has applied for the trademark of “Teslaquila”, his own brand of Tequila produced from 100% pure Blue Agave. He even teased a photo of what the bottle might look like:

Now, normally, Musk would be in his element making one technological breakthrough after the next; so one must wonder, why the sudden change in direction and go for liquor, a field completely unrelated to him? We sent in our undercover agent, “Edison”(codename) to investigate the matter. However, Musk being the genius he is, quickly uncovered our undercover agent, but in a bizarre twist, decided to give an interview to Edison instead of executing him on the spot(or sending Edison to Mars). While giving the interview onboard Musk’s private jet with his pet in arms, Musk spilled the beans(just like a classic Bond villain would).

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According to Edison’s report after he returned to us, Teslaquila will be infused with nanobots that can produce “Dopamine” and “Serotonin”, hormones that gives you a feeling of happiness and inner satisfaction. Armed with nano-Powerwall version 3.2.62, these nanobots can use blood and body heat to produce these hormones, so not only does someone who drinks Teslaquila will be drunk beyond measure, they will also be extremely happy and satisfied, and extremely agreeable. Hmm, maybe Musk was testing this on himself when talking to Edison?

When asked why go to such lengths just to make Tequila, the following scenario was presented: Imagine,  in an investor pitch or shareholder meeting, everyone is served the new Teslaquila, and within moments everyone becomes a happy zombie, agreeing to everything. Musk could easily demand 6 Trillion dollars to build a giant death ray machine, and everyone present would agree unanimously. Meeting with policymakers? Teslaquila. Meeting with world leaders? Teslaquila. The world would belong to Elon Musk.

For powerless people like us, all we can do is wait: either to be saved by Musk, or to be destroyed in his epic schemes. Maybe tinfoil hats are worth a try after all.

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Written by Max Vergil

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